Thanksgivings II and III

Since this is so belated, much of what I was going to say here is going to bleed over into more general holiday musings. For now, I want to focus on something I mentioned in my Thanksgiving I post: heightened gratitude as a result of tough times.

This year, I found myself looking forward to Thanksgiving they way I used to look forward to Christmas as an excited little kid. Even though adult-me knew exactly what gifts the holiday would bring, I was incredibly ready for them. Partly because I am already in a place of gratitude at this juncture in my life, and partly for the following reasons and more.

For one, I was expecting a visit from a dear friend from Berkeley, on her way to Germany and Austria. She stayed with me for almost a full week, and we packed in a lot of Wisconsin goodness during that time. Almost immediately after coming home from the airport, we headed to The Old Fashioned, where we treated ourselves to beer battered cheese curds, beer cheese soup, a lazy susan of cheeses and pickled goodies, beer flights, and of course a brandy sweet old fashioned. It was chilly outside, warm inside, and Monday Night Football was on the television. I couldn't have planned a more perfect introduction to our Northern culture. Every time I start to think it's not possible, I become a little bit more thrilled to be here, and to be from here.

The next day we wasted the whole morning sitting in bed and looking up terrible Christmas music (did you know James Brown has a holiday album? The whole thing is on youtube, and will probably lessen your respect for the man). At noon we hit the capitol for some good old fashioned protest songs - this happens every weekday at noon in the rotunda, so if you live near Madison I highly recommend joining them sometime! We cruised State St. before heading home to make dinner and skype with another faraway friend, currently suffering in the cold and rainy land of New Jersey.

We made a trip to the stable to visit my horse

and we spent a little time exploring the Main St. of my hometown. We popped into the shop where I used to work, and two of the owners were there. We had a lovely little reunion, and I was asked to come back, at least for some extra holiday hours. This means several things. 1) I have a job that is indoors and allows me to sit down sometimes! 2) I can worry a little bit less about the bills this month! 3) I get to speak Norwegian again! 4) Gløgg and julestemning! I have really missed the type of holiday feeling that happens in Norway, and this will let me get a little bit of that back. This is getting a full blog post sometime this month, so stay tuned.

The rest of the week went far too quickly, but involved lots and lots of food prep, and lots and lots of food consumption. Followed by a long soak in the hot tub as we considered whether or not we should hit up any midnight sales (the answer was no).

It was on Thanksgiving day, and the day after, that it all hit me. I had looked forward to - and enjoyed - my friend's visit so much because I spend a lot of time alone these days. I used to covet my alone time, but here I don't have many friends yet. Some wonderful friends, to be sure, but not many of them, and I don't see them so often. I think the fact that I now feel so much more willing to share my time with others is an indication that I am much more well-adjusted than I used to be, and for that I am thankful.

I looked forward to dressing up on Thanksgiving Day, because most days I roll out of bed at 5am, dive into as many layers of clothing as I can find, and top it all off with a very unattractive stocking cap and down coat. I looked forward to the meal because, well, because I love food. But even more than usual this year, because only a week before I had a financial fiasco that made me resign myself to buying bales of ramen on sale (this actually happened) and tightening my belt. This is exactly why Thanksgiving has been so important to people in the past--they were freakin' hungry!

I looked forward to spending time with my family, even now that I live near them and see them almost every week. I felt grateful that I get along with them so well, and that I wasn't embarrassed to bring a friend home to meet them. I was grateful that they are so incredibly inviting, and giving, and fun. I am grateful that they are always there for me, even when I don't want to need them.

Most of all, I looked forward (and am still looking forward) to this whole holiday season because so much is changing for me right now; so much is uncertain. I'm not looking forward to presents, but to traditions...even though those are always changing too. This year, I'm making a very conscious effort to make up my own traditions, and figure out what meanings I want to imbue my holidays with. If I know why these holidays are important to me, then it won't be so important that the traditions go unchanged. So here's what I've got so far.

1) Hosting a Thanksgiving dinner for my friends. A much boozier version of the family dinner.

2) Sometime after Thanksgiving and before Christmas Eve, I am going to write cards for my immediate family members, to be opened on Christmas Eve. Because my sister is now married, all of our family traditions get moved around a lot to accommodate the in-laws, and that's been hard for me--especially now that I'm the only single cousin left. But this will let me do something that's meaningful, and on my own terms, and involves my loved ones without them having to plan around me.

3) Focusing on the whole season, instead of The Big Day. Again, I'm hoping this will help me to not feel so upset when traditions get skipped over or moved.

So, what's it all mean to you? What are the most important things, the best things, the hardest things about your holiday season? What do you look forward to and what do you dread? Do you make it special, or just make it through? What are your favorite traditions?

Thanksgiving (Part I)

Skip to the bottom of this post if you don't care what I've been up to this weekend, and just want to read the sappy part.

Last night I kicked off the holiday season with Thanksgiving feast #1 of 3. I was invited by a friend to come along to Milwaukee, to the home of someone he hadn't seen in a decade. Now, those of you who know me have at least some idea of how much I love Thanksgiving. I was not going to say no, even at risk of an awkward evening surrounded by people I've never met. This is not what ended up happening anyway.

I wish I could think of an engaging way to write about this, but it's impossible to be smug about what I'm feeling right now. I had a really rough week. I fought with a loved one, struggled with loneliness, felt terrified about my financial situation, and was horrified by events around this country in which peaceful protesters were beaten and pepper sprayed. But then the weekend came, and I was able to fill it with good people and beautiful goings-on. It was like the universe came together for me in attempts to make amends for all the terrible things it had been leaving in my path lately.

Friday: I had Friday afternoon off for the first time since I started this job. A friend invited me to join her for yoga, and I almost cried I when I realized how badly I needed this. Her studio was having a special Thanksgiving deal where members could bring a friend for free. We stretched, strengthened, laughed, and opened up. The instructor kept saying things that made me feel she was reading my mind. All the tension I'd been storing started to jitter its way out of my body. We got done and I was a new person. I was breathing again. It's insane how much we internalize and normalize, and I'm going to try to remember that this week.

We then joined some more friends for dinner, to celebrate one of us finishing a big writing project (if she is reading this, she should let me know if she would like me to link to it here). None of us who were there have an easy time of things right now, and most of us are in jobs we don't want to end up in. But everyone there finds the energy and passion to do something they love. We muster the resources to create things, to improve the world even when it's giving us a beatdown. And, dammit, we had a great night. Thanks, friends.

Saturday: I got a custom order for some dinosaur mittens, which cost the same amount of money I got screwed out of earlier this week. Universe, thanks for having my back. Then I biked downtown to pick up a check for some work I'd done this summer. On the way I passed Occupy Madison, gave them a solidarity fist on my way by, and received a wave of cheers and revolutionary energy in return for my small gesture. I felt fortified in a way I hadn't in a long time.

The nearer I got to the capitol, the more cars I heard honking to the rhythm of this is what democracy looks like, and my smile got even broader. By noon there were already about 30,000 people gathered around the square, singing freedom songs and labor songs. This warms my heart every time, and reminds me of the importance of what I teach. These songs are POWERFUL. These songs invoke the power of the first anti-slavery efforts, of the entire Civil Rights Era, of the Free Speech Movement, of every antiwar movement...they are raw revolutionary energy. These songs are the force of wronged people throughout our history. These songs are the voices of everyone who has participated and believed in all of these movements raised together. Joyfully! I did not feel anger in the crowd--I felt hope, and camaraderie, and wonder and joy at the idea that so many of us could come together so strongly.

I rode this energy all the way home, to get ready for Thanksgiving #1. When I got there, I was thrilled to find myself surrounded by intellectuals and liberals and teachers and public workers and queers and every combination thereof, all of whom welcomed me with open arms, as though we'd known each other for years. I was home, in an instant. We laughed and ate and drank and talked about our lives without dwelling on the things that keep us down.

Here comes aforementioned sappy part.

Halfway through the meal, I was informed that this is one of those Thanksgiving parties where everybody goes around and says what they are thankful for. When this happens at my family Thanksgiving, my mother locks herself in the bathroom because it inevitably becomes so awkward. But last night was not like that. These people were not dutifully listing the things we're supposed to be thankful for--health, family, friends, etc.--they were giving thanks. And the message that came up again and again was that yes, this year has been exceptionally challenging. But somehow, especially during this holiday season, the challenges make the blessings stand in sharper relief. My heart began to swell as I understood that this was true for me as well. When it was my turn, this is what I said:

I just moved back to Wisconsin after eight years away, and every single day, something happens that makes me so excited to be back here - whether it's the seasons, a local brew I've missed, casserole, or people letting me change lanes without being dicks about it.

Today especially, I am incredibly grateful for the amazing displays of democracy and free speech right here in our state, and in our country, and in the world. It gives me so much hope, and keeps things in perspective for me.

I am thankful, too, for wonderful friends who push through their struggles and still somehow find the energy and compassion to fight for their values.

And having said that, everything in my world got a little bit shinier.